


Amnesia

by StatueOfLuberty



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: AU, Amnesia, But mostly angst, Fluff and Angst, Gun Violence, M/M, don't hate me, then again this is Eyewitness, there is blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-05
Updated: 2017-01-05
Packaged: 2018-09-12 12:52:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9072511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StatueOfLuberty/pseuds/StatueOfLuberty
Summary: Philip gets shot, and he can't remember what happened when he wakes up.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Yo, I totally recommend listening to "Any Other Name" by Thomas Newman while reading this. Like, listen to it over and over again. It's from the movie "American Beauty", and I just love the song so much. He wrote the music for Finding Nemo, so you'll find similarities between this song and the soundtrack of that movie.

Helen pulls the trigger as soon as she hears a pop. Her ears are ringing as she watches Ryan fall to the ground. She kicks his gun away, checks his pulse, then turns to Philip.

Philip, whose on the ground, trying to breathe as he bleeds out.

 _My kid. My_ son.

Jumping into action again, Helen puts her gun away and kneels, pressing her hands to Philip's ribs. He spits up blood, which is extremely bad. If the bullet didn't leave his body, it's probably lodged in his lung, which is better than the former, but they're still running out of time.

"Philip's been shot. I repeat, Philip's been shot. I need a medic!" she shouts into her radio.

"They're almost there, Helen, just hang on," Tony replies.

Sure enough, an ambulance speeds down the path only a few seconds later. The paramedics rush over and tend to Philip's wound, trying to control the bleeding. Philip's passed out, whether from blood loss or the pain, Helen doesn't know. Tony arrives right as they're transferring Philip to the gurney. Helen tells him she's going to the hospital, leaving him with the crime scene, and then they leave.

Tony must've called Gabe, because he catches Helen when she tries to follow the doctors into a part of the hospital she's not allowed. Her hands are shaking and coated with blood, but he still pulls her into a hug. He doesn't know how long they stand there, but there's movement in his peripheral vision, making him turn his head. It's Bo.

"Hey, how's Lukas?" Gabe asks.

"He's fine. Little tired, but he didn't lose a lot of blood, this time. He's asking for Philip, though. Any idea where he is?" Bo asks. Helen pulls away from Gabe slightly, and his eyes catch on her bloody hands and her red eyes. "Oh, god. Is he—"

"They're working on him right now," Gabe answers. "Could you maybe make something up, for now? I don't want him to get stressed while he's still recovering."

Bo nods and says, "If you need anything, let me know."

Gabe and Helen sit in the waiting room for hours. Helen refuses to go to the bathroom to wash her hands in case the doctor comes out while she's gone. She wants to be there for any news.

It's about two in the morning when the doctor finally comes out, dark circles under his eyes. He looks to them and lets out a big sigh, his shoulders sagging. Helen holds onto Gabe's hand tightly, waiting for the doctor to fight through his exhaustion to collect his thoughts.

"We managed to take the bullet out and stop the bleeding. I'm not gonna lie, we lost him a few times, but he's a fighter. He won't wake up for a few hours, and he'll be extremely weak when he does. He also has a tube in side for draining, but it won't be much of a problem since he won't have enough strength to move. Would you like to see him?" he asks.

They nod and follow him to the ICU. Helen sighs with relief when she actually sees Philip. He's pale, but he's  _alive._ That's all that matters to Helen right now. She drags a chair to the side of the bed immediately, collapsing in it. Gabe pulls another one over, groaning when he sits. Helen reaches for Philip's hand, taking it in both of hers. She watches his chest move up and down with every breath he takes. Leaning forward, she rests her head on his lap, still holding his hand. Gabe rubs her back, the motions slow and soothing.

When she wakes up a few hours later, Gabe's holding two coffee cups, only sipping from one. He smiles at his wife and hands the other drink over without a word. She thanks him and takes a long sip before turning her attention back to Philip, who's still asleep.

"I think we need to tell Lukas," she says softly.

Gabe rubs her back and asks, "Should we wait until he wakes up?"

She shakes her head. "The longer we keep it quiet, the worse he's going to feel. They've been through enough already."

They stay with Philip for a few more minutes before heading down the hallway to the room Bo told Gabe when he stopped by earlier. Gabe knocks on the doorjamb and watches as Lukas turns his attention to them, smiles, then spots the blood that's still on Helen.

"Where is he?" Lukas asks.

* * *

Lukas wheels himself down the hallway, not wanting to be anywhere near his father right now. He stops at the window and looks in, his heart breaking at the sight of his boyfriend in the hospital bed, so pale and fragile with a mask over his mouth. He wheels himself into the room and stops at the side of the bed, pushing the chairs aside. The heart monitor beeps, a constant reminder that Philip's actually alive, despite his appearance. Lukas reaches for his hand and squeezes it lightly, swallowing around the lump in his throat as he tries not to cry. A couple tears still fall, but he wipes them away quickly.

How could this have happened? Philip was supposed to stay safe. He wasn't supposed to get shot. Lukas is the only person Kane should've hurt. Philip is supposed to be visiting Lukas, not the other way around.

"I'm so sorry," Lukas whispers before kissing the back of Philip's hand. "I never meant for you to get hurt. I was selfish, so selfish, and now I'm paying for it in the worst possible way. You shouldn't suffer because of my stupid decisions."

"Lukas?"

He looks up and lets out a sob. Philip's staring at him, his eyebrows scrunched together. He looks . . . confused, maybe a little angry. Lukas' heart drops. Does Philip hate him now? Does he blame him? Lukas blames himself for what happened.

"H-hey. How are you feeling?" he asks.

Philip shrugs before wincing. "Can't really feel anything. What are you doing here?"

"I—uh, Helen and Gabe wanted me to come down and visit you. I hope that's okay."

"Yeah, I guess. Can you get the doctor?"

Lukas nods, unlocking the brakes and wheeling himself to the desk. He lets the nurses know Philip's awake before heading back to his room. It's obvious he's not wanted there, so why force his presence on Philip?

When he gets back to his room, Helen and Gabe see the look on his face before rushing down the hallway. Bo helps him into his bed, looking like he wants to ask. Lukas lies and says he's tired, so Bo nods, kisses the top of his head, and leaves the room. Lukas pulls the sheet over his head and cries for the first time in years.

* * *

Philip doesn't know what to say when Helen and Gabe come in. There's a look on their faces that he's seen before, but he can't remember what it means. Maybe it's the drugs, maybe it's denial. He doesn't know.

"What happened?" Helen asks.

"I was about to ask the same thing," Philip replies.

"You were shot. What happened between you and Lukas?"

"What do you mean?"

Gabe sits in a chair and says, "Whatever happened, you two can overcome this."

"He was holding my hand and kissing it. Are he and I in a relationship?"

Helen immediately leaves the room. Gabe looks at him and asks, "What's the last thing you remember?"

Philip closes his eyes and searches. "He and I were on our way to his dad's cabin. Why was I shot?"

"Hey, Philip. How are you feeling?" a man in a white lab coat asks as he walks in, Helen following.

"Fine, I guess. What's going on? Why the hell was I shot? Why is Lukas in the hospital and visiting me?"

The doctor looks at Philip's chart before asking, "What's the date, Philip?"

"Uh, September 4th?"

They adults look at each other before the doctor asks a few more questions. Philip feels like he's answering them wrong, but he's answering as honest as he can. The doctor then tells him that a month has passed. Philip feels like his whole world was just turned upside down. A month passed? What happened that he got shot, or that he and Lukas are in a relationship? Philip thought Lukas was straight. Sure, he still liked him, but he always did things that made his own life more difficult. It's like that's all he knows how to do.

Helen sits down and tells him everything: the cabin shooting, how they witnessed it, Lukas getting shot, them getting kidnapped,  _Philip_ getting shot, and Anne being murdered by the agent. Philip remembers the agent telling him about his mother, but he's still shocked. When he asks to be left alone, they nod and head into the hallway. He holds the hospital pillow in his arms and muffle his sobs with it, even though he knows everybody can still hear him. Now, he's stuck in Tivoli with a family he doesn't like, going to school filled with people who hate him. His only friend ( _boyfriend,_ a voice in his head whispers) is ashamed to be near him. The only other person he talked to is dead. It's like he wasn't meant to have anything good happen to him.

He cries himself to sleep, waking up in the middle of the night when somebody sneezes. It scares him, making him jump then hiss when the stitches and the drain pull painfully at his skin. He grabs for the medication dispenser, pressing the button and letting out a sigh when he feels the pain slowly disappear. Remembering somebody else is here, he opens his eyes and freezes when he spots Lukas.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," Lukas mumbles.

"Was I supposed to know you were here?" Philip asks bitterly.

Lukas looks shocked. "Why wouldn't you?"

"I don't know if Helen and Gabe told you, but I don't remember anything past heading to the cabin. I can't remember any of the shootings, and I definitely can't remember our relationship, so I'm not used to you actually wanting to be around me where other people can see," he admits. "It's just not the Lukas I know."

"Do you want me to act like the Lukas you know?"

Philip shrugs. "I don't know. A part of me wants you to, but another part of me knows that I would dread it the whole time."

Lukas looks at his lap and sighs. "How about we meet halfway? I'll back off, but we can still be friends."

Philip smiles and nods. "I'd like that, actually."

* * *

Lukas doesn't know what to do. He's supposed to go back to school today, but he's nervous. He wants Philip by his side, but Philip's still in the hospital. He considers skipping, but he knows his father won't be happy if he does.

Bo drives him to school because he still can't get on his bike. It just brings back too many bad memories. When he pulls up to the front of the school, Lukas looks at all the kids that will stare at him and ask him about what happened, even if he's obviously uncomfortable. They don't understand personal space.

"I can drop you off at the hospital," Bo offers.

Lukas turns to him and frowns. "I don't know if Philip would be okay with that."

"Call Helen or Gabe and have them ask him. If he wants you there, I'll drop you off. If not, we'll figure something out."

He nods and pulls his phone out, calling Gabe. Bo and Lukas have never really been close, but after Kane kidnapped them, Bo's been trying to accept his son and be there for him rather than push him away. Obviously, there have been bumps, but they're both trying; they're the only family they have.

"Hey, Lukas," Gabe answers. "How are you?"

"I'm good. Uh, can you do me a favor and ask Philip if I can visit?"

Gabe sighs. "I'm sorry, Lukas, but he won't see anybody. Ever since we told him about Anne, he hasn't talking to any of us, even the doctor."

"Please? If he says no, that's fine, but I don't want to give up before he's asked," Lukas says.

He hears some mumbling on the other side, then some shuffling. "Lukas?"

"Philip, hey. How are you?"

"Not good."

"Yeah, I know. Do you want to talk about it?"

"How quickly can you get here?"

Lukas looks at Bo, who puts the car in drive and pulls away from the curb. "We'll be there in forty minutes, okay? Do you want us to pick anything up on the way?"

"No, thank you. Actually, maybe a sweatshirt. It gets pretty chilly."

"Yeah, we can stop by Gabe and Helen's to grab one."

Philip thanks him again before hanging up, and Lukas tells his dad to go to the sheriff's house. When they arrive, Helen's Jeep is parked by the canoe. Lukas knocks on the front door and smiles when she opens the door.

"Lukas! Is everything okay?" she asks.

"Yeah, everything's great. I'm here to grab a sweatshirt for Philip, actually," he replies.

Helen smiles and steps to the side to let Lukas in. They head into the family room, where there's a basket of clean clothes. She sifts through it before pulling out the black zip-up Philip wears all the time. Handing it over, she says, "This was the last thing his mom bought for him. I think he'll really appreciate it if you brought this one."

He thanks her and heads outside, turning around about halfway to the car. He's glad he did, because Helen's standing on the porch. "I can give him a message, if you want."

"Just let him know that we're here for him when he's ready to talk to us, and to take all the time he needs," she says.

He nods, climbing into the car. The drive to Poughkeepsie is mostly quiet, save for some small talk about how Lukas is doing, both physically and mentally. He's been seeing a therapist, and it's been good. She's really helping when it comes to dealing with the PTSD.

Bo tells him to text when he wants to be picked up, and Lukas thanks him for the ride before heading up. When he reaches Philip's room, he takes a deep breath to calm his nerves before opening the door and stepping inside, hiding the sweatshirt behind his back. Philip looks up and tries to smile, but it comes off as a grimace. Lukas smiles and reveals the sweatshirt, which makes Philip actually smile.

"Helen said you would want this one," he says, closing the door and stepping forward. He unzips it and drapes it across Philip since he can't wear it properly with the IV. "She also said to take all the time you need, and they'll be there for you when you're ready to talk."

Philip nods. "They seem like really nice people. Helen's definitely different than I remember."

"She opened up about a few things that even Gabe didn't know. You two got closer after that," Lukas explains as he sits in the chair by the bed. "So, do you want to talk about anything?"

"Not really. I just don't feel overwhelmed with you here like I do with them or the doctor and nurses. Maybe it's because of our relationship, or maybe it's because our friendship hasn't changed at all."

"Well, I'm glad I could be the constant in your life while you're trying to remember everything else."

Philip looks at him and gives him a small smile before closing his eyes. Lukas pulls out his phone and plays games for a while, sending Rose an update when she asks where he is. He watches the nurses and doctor look through the window every once in a while, obviously wanting to come in even though they know how Philip will react. Lukas had seen the freakout for the first time three days ago; he was terrified. Philip had to be sedated and cuffed to the bed until Gabe and Helen arrived and yelled at the staff for restraining him when he's a kid who's scared and doesn't remember much. Yeah, Lukas learned a while ago not to upset them, but that just sealed the deal.

His phone vibrates with a call from his dad around three. Philip's still asleep, so Lukas steps out and heads outside to answer. The call is short, just Bo asking how Philip is doing and if they need anything. He's just entered the hospital again when Philp's day nurse finds him, looking panicked.

"You're Lukas, right?" she asks.

"Yeah, that's me. What's going on?" he asks as they jog down the hallway towards the screeching.

"He just woke up and started screaming and thrashing around. I think he ripped his stitches and dislodged the drain, but he's moving too much," she explains. "Dr. Vasquez wants to sedate him."

Lukas speeds up and slides into the room. Philip's eyes are shut, and he's screeching for Lukas, whipping his arms around. Dr. Vasquez has a needle in his hand, ready to sedate Philip. Lukas holds up a hand and grabs Philip's arms.

"Philip,  _Philip,_ you need to calm down," Lukas says. "They have to make sure your stitches are still intact. Philip,  _please._ "

All of a sudden, the room's filled with Philip sobbing. He clings to Lukas' middle, just letting out these heart-wrenching sobs. Lukas cradles his head and asks the staff to give them a minute alone. Once the door is shut, Lukas pulls the chair as close to the bed as he can and sits down, holding onto Philip's hand with both of his.

"What happened?" he asks.

"I saw you get shot, oh my—you were  _shot._ You were taking a jump and just fell into the water halfway over. I pulled you out and—it just felt so  _real_ ," Philip rambles.

"Hey, it's okay. I'm okay, yeah? Look, I'm fine," Lukas says. He unbuttons his flannel a little and pulls it to the side. "See? Almost fully healed."

Philip stops crying and stares at the wound. He reaches out and places his hand over the scar, his eyes wide. "It really happened?"

Lukas nods. "I'm okay, though. The killer—he's dead. We're okay, we're  _safe._ He can't get us."

He takes the hand that's on his chest and just holds it. Philip doesn't seem to mind; in fact, it looks like holding Lukas' hand calms him down, as if it's a reminder that Lukas is there, he's okay. Lukas rubs his thumb across Philip's knuckles, like he's always wanted but never got the chance to do. They've held hands, but he felt like doing that was too intimate. Now, he doesn't care; he just wants Philip to stay calm.

* * *

A few days later, Lukas wakes up with a stiff back and brown eyes on him. He sits up and winces as his back protests with every move he makes. Philip huffs out a small laugh, barely noticeable. When Lukas looks at him again, he's still smiling.

"What?" Lukas asks, a grin of his own forming.

"Nothing. Just had a good dream."

"Oh yeah? What about?"

Philip hums and says, "We were in the city, and I had just exited a club. We had a little argument, but then you said that if your mom was still alive, you'd probably tell her about me. We apparently played the 'three things' game. God, I love playing that game with people. Anyway, you kissed me, right there on the sidewalk, but said you were some Ricky guy—"

"Rick Anderton," Lukas supplies.

"Yeah! How'd you know that?" Philip asks.

"'Cause that happened."

Philip exclaims, "No way!" which makes Lukas laugh.

"I did! It was the one brave thing I did in our relationship besides come clean about the murders so you would stay," Lukas says.

"So I would stay?"

 _Shit, I didn't want to bring that up._ "Uh, there was a really bad problem that I created that made you call social services, saying you couldn't live there anymore. When my dad said that you were leaving during a meeting with a sponsor, I left to stop you."

Philip reaches out, taking Lukas' hand. He squeezes lightly and says, "I'm glad you stopped me."

"I am, too. Now you're stuck with me."

Philip lets out a loud laugh, one Lukas hasn't heard in a long time. "I think I'm okay with that."

They sit there, staring at each other with goofy grins on their faces, their hands still locked together. There's a knock on the door, then Dr. Vasquez pokes his head in. "Hey, Philip. I know you don't want to see anybody, but I just need to run through some tests with you, okay?"

"Can Lukas stay?" Philip asks, his grip on Lukas' hand getting tighter.

"Of course. You'll have to let go of his hand, though. We need to test your arm mobility."

Lukas stands by the window, the sun warming his back. Philip runs through the tests, his focus on Dr. Vasquez. Then, he answers some questions about how he's feeling and if there have been any problems he hasn't reported. Once they're done, Lukas returns to the chair. Philip looks like he wants to hold Lukas' hand again, but doesn't know if he can. Then it dawns on Lukas that Philip doesn't remember whether it's okay, so he stretches his arm out to Philip. Immediately, Philip takes his hand again, his lips twitching in an almost-smile.

"You know, I don't really remember us being together besides that one time in the city, but what I do remember is the feeling of wanting to hold your hand but knowing I couldn't, 'cause you would freak out," Philip says softly, like he's scared to tell Lukas this.

"For a while, I would've, but after I told Helen about the cabin shooting, that's all I wanted to do. Well, that or just hold you. It reminded me that you were still by my side, even though I didn't tell Helen you were there with me. That was the only night I didn't have a nightmare, actually," Lukas admits.

Philip asks, "Do you still have them? The nightmares?"

"Sometimes, but they've changed to when you got shot." Lukas' voice waivers, thinking about finding out Philip didn't make it in his nightmares. He always wakes up with wet cheeks and a hollow feeling in his chest. He's pretty sure Gabe's tired of having to wake up at two in the morning to tell Lukas that Philip's fine, he's asleep,  _go bad to bed, Lukas._

Philip plays with Lukas' fingers, something he does when he's thinking about what he wants to say. Lukas knows Philip has a hard time trying to figure out the right way to say what he thinks when it comes to them, because he doesn't want to scare the blonde off. He turns his hand and tickles Philip's stomach, making him laugh.

"Asshole," he wheezes. "What'd you do that for?"

"You were thinking too hard; just say it."

Philip lets out a breath, as if he's been holding it. "I just—it feels like I'm gonna wake up at any moment, and we'll just be friends. I don't want to wake up."

"Hate to break it to you, but you're awake, and we're holding hands," Lukas says. "Hope that's okay."

"Yeah, it—it is."

* * *

Lukas goes back to school the next day, leaving Philip alone in the hospital. He still doesn't want to see anybody else, even though he probably should to try and jog his memory. He thinks about his mom, about they're waiting until he's well enough to leave the hospital to bury her. He can still smell her, a mix of cigarettes and this lavender body lotion she loved.

_He knows, but he wants to keep it a secret._

That makes him freeze. Who did he say that to? Is their relationship a secret? Does Lukas' dad know? Philip can't be back in the closet, he worked so hard to come out back in the city, even though his mom never knew.

_Did she?_

God, he can't even remember if he ever told his mom that he was gay. What if he never did? He can't even ask anybody because they're all at work or school, and he doesn't have his phone. The only things he can do are either watch TV or sleep. He doesn't know if he can walk around the hospital, but he doesn't want to do it with his day nurse—he can't even remember her name, and she told him after he lost his memory. No, he wants to walk with Lukas. Lukas, who's in lunch with Rose in his lap, probably.

His stomach grumbles, but he knows that if he eats something, he'll just throw it up. Nothing to do with the shooting, he just can't eat with his mom and his secret relationship with Lukas on his mind.

He must've fallen asleep, because Lukas is suddenly there, a smile on his face when he notices Philip's awake. "Hey, how you feeling?"

Philip avoids his gaze and shrugs. "Fine. Bored."

"Yeah, I get that. Hey, the doctor said you haven't eaten today. Do you want me to get you something from the cafeteria?" Philip shakes his head. "Okay, I could get some pizza for—"

"I'm not hungry," he mumbles, staring at a scuff on the wall below the window that looks into the hallway. He wonders how it got there.

"O-okay. Do you—"

"I don't really feel like seeing anybody, right now," Philip says, keeping his eyes on that damn scuff.

He doesn't know what look could be on Lukas' face, but he's guessing it's not a good one. When he's alone, he pulls the sweatshirt over his face and takes a deep breath. If he concentrates enough, he can imagine that it smells like his mom and not the detergent Helen buys.

* * *

The funeral is small and short. His grandparents don't even show up, so it's just him, Gabe, and Helen. They must've figured out that something happened between him and Lukas, because they didn't invite Lukas to the funeral. He's thankful for it, even though he really wants Lukas to be by his side.

He physical therapist comes to the house ( _it feels like home, though_ ), making sure he keeps up with the exercises. It's like he knows Philip doesn't have the motivation to. He doesn't care if he gets his strength back; he just wants his mom.

His shrink wants him to try and go back to school soon, but he's not ready. He doesn't know if he'll ever be.

_I don't want to be that guy._

* * *

It's clear Philip remembered something that made his opinion of Lukas change. Lukas wants to fix it, tell him that whatever it is he remembered, Lukas has changed. He's a different person, and that's because of Philip. He's a  _better_ person because of him.

He keeps his distance, because he knows Philip doesn't want to see him. He doesn't want to talk to him, to look at him; he doesn't want anything to do with Lukas. It hurts like hell, but Lukas will manage because he knows Philip will remember something that brings them together again. They're a team.

Rose's frown gets deeper every time Lukas tells her he doesn't know how Philip's doing. He knows she's gonna snap at some point. He just doesn't know when.

"Lukas."

Now, apparently.

"What's up?" he asks as he opens his locker.

"What happened between you and Philip?" she asks.

He shrugs. "I don't know."

"Don't give me that bullsh—"

"No, I really don't know."

Something changes. Maybe it's her body language. "What do you mean?"

Lukas sighs and grabs his math book. "He doesn't remember anything past going to the cabin. His memories are coming back one by one, and not the whole thing. I don't know what came back last time we talked, but it was obviously something that upset him. Maybe it was punching him, or maybe—"

 

He stops when he spots a familiar mop of brown waves. Philip looks like he did the first time Lukas saw him; he's got his shoulders bunched up, and his hands are gripping at the strap of his messenger bag that's across his chest. He's trying to make himself smaller, less noticeable, but people are still staring as he walks by. Somebody bumps into him as Rose turns around, and that makes her angry.

"Hey, Greg!" she shouts. The guy who bumped into Philip turns around. "Apologize to Philip."

Greg scoffs. "You're kidding, right?"

"Does it look like I'm kidding?" she asks, taking a few steps forward. "Apologize."

Greg looks at Philip and mumbles and apology before practically fleeing. Rose grabs Philip's arm and drags him over to Lukas, who's gripping his locker so hard, his knuckles are turning white.

"Hey," Philip says.

"Hi," Lukas breathes. God, what's wrong with him?

"I'm gonna head to class. See you later?" Rose asks Lukas. When he nods, she smiles and walks away.

"I didn't know you were coming to school today," Lukas says after a few seconds of awkward silence between them.

"Didn't realize you needed to know," Philip mutters.

 _That hurts._ "I don't  _need_ to know, but—"

"I'm gonna be late," Philip says before walking away, not letting Lukas finish.

_But I want to know._

_But I could've given you a ride._

_But I could've gotten here early to fix_ this.

* * *

Lukas can't concentrate in any of his classes. He's so focused on figuring out how to fix whatever happened. If it was more about his mom than Lukas, he would know.

_What if he blames me for his mom's death?_

_Damn it, Lukas. It's not always about you._

When it's lunch time, Lukas sits with his usual friends, but he looks for Philip. He spots him with Rose, both of them walking over. Rose sits on one side of Lukas, and Philip hesitates before sitting on the other side. Lukas' heart races, but he knows nothing will happen. Philip won't talk to him.

_Philip hates you._

He doesn't hear any of the conversations going on. Everything sounds muffled and far away except for the ringing in his ears. Somebody drops their tray, but it sounds like a gunshot. He closes his eyes and counts to five, but when he opens them again, he's in the cabin. The shooter is on the ground, unconscious. He runs out the door and—

He's in the hallway outside the cafeteria.

God, he hasn't had an episode in a couple weeks. His heart is racing, and he feels dizzy. He leans against the wall, sliding to the ground and letting his head hang between his knees. The cafeteria door opens again, and a hand lands on his shoulder.

"I don't know what to do, Rose," Lukas says as he starts to cry. "I want to ask him what happened, but I'm afraid it'll just push him away."

"I know, baby," Rose says as she rubs his back. "Soon, he'll remember something else, and it'll start making sense."

He looks at her and says, "I just wish I knew what it was so I could explain myself."

She kisses the side of his head. "It'll be okay, honey."

* * *

The past week, Lukas has eaten his lunch on the roof of the school rather than in the cafeteria. He can't sit near Philip without wanting to put his arm around him and kiss the side of his head. He wants  _so much_ , and there's nothing he can do about it. Philip won't even look at him.

He's in the middle of chewing his sandwich (chicken salad, his favorite) when he hears a crunch behind him. Whipping around, his eyes lock with Philip's, and he's frozen. Can't move, can't breathe. Without a word, Philip sits a few feet away from him, takes out his lunch, and starts eating. Lukas smiles to himself and continues eating. They don't say anything to each other.

It becomes a thing. It's a nice thing. They sit there and eat in silence. Lukas doesn't want to break it and scare Philip off, so he keeps his mouth shut. Philip still won't look at him, but this is honestly more than Lukas could ask for right now.

One day, it gets to be too much. Everybody keeps asking what happened and why Kane took them and what it was like getting shot. He skips English and heads to the roof to clear his head. He doesn't want to answer, but they just won't  _stop._

When he hears somebody step onto the rocks, he's afraid he's been caught by the principal. However, when he turns around, Philip's there. Once again, Lukas doesn't want to break the silence and scare him off.

"You weren't in class," Philip says.

Of course, the one class he skips is the one he shares with Philip. "Didn't think you'd notice."

"I always notice." Philip finally looks at him. "Why'd you skip?"

"They won't stop asking," Lukas says. He doesn't need to elaborate.

"Yeah, it's the worst. I get kidnapped and shot, and suddenly everybody wants to talk to me," Philip says. "I think I liked it better when they ignored me."

A beat of silence. "How'd you know where to find me?"

"I remembered us being here. You were standing on the ledge, and I had to pull you down. I was afraid I'd have to do that again," Philip admits.

"As much as I want to, I'm not gonna jump."

"Why do you want to?"

Luaks sighs and jams his hands into his pockets. "What did you remember that made you so upset with me?"

Philip looks at the ground. "I was telling somebody that you wanted to keep us a secret. I thought I was back in the closet, and then I couldn't remember if I ever told my mom I'm gay."

"You told her. You also told her about me. I was upset at first, but then I saw how you looked happier after you told her." Lukas takes a small step forward. "She was so proud of you."

Philip sniffles, and Lukas can tell he's holding back sobs. He pulls Philip into a hug, rubbing his back. Philip sobs into his chest, his hands grabbing as much of Lukas' shirt as they can. They move away from the ledge and sit, ignoring the rocks digging into their asses. Philip cries so much he falls asleep. Lukas studies his face, carding his fingers through the brown locks. There are dark circles under his eyes, almost looking like bruises. His face is scrunched up, as if the stress lingers in his sleep. He probably still gets nightmares. Lukas kisses his forehead and settles his head in his lap. He continues to pet Philip, watching as his face slowly relaxes. He wants Philip to be happy, carefree. He's suffered enough.

He hears the last bell ring through some opened windows, but he doesn't dare make Philip wake up. Who knows when the guy will sleep next? Their classmates are shouting and laughing below, getting ready for the weekend. His phone vibrates more than once, indicating a phone call. He looks at the ID and answers.

"Hey, Helen."

"Lukas! Have you seen Philip? I've been calling him, but it keeps going to voicemail."

He hasn't heard any buzzing, so he guesses Philip's phone is back in the classroom. "Yeah, I'm with him."

"Thank god. Where are you guys?"

"Uh, the roof?"

He hears her curse. "Okay, I'm on my way."

"No!" he hisses. "No. He's asleep. I'll bring him home once he wakes up."

"What if—"

"Helen, the reason why he's not sleeping is because he dreams his memories. I think he's scared of obtaining another bad one. He's exhausted. I really don't want to wake him up."

There's a sigh. "Alright, but if you're too tired to bring him home, call me; I'll let you stay overnight and tell your dad."

"Thank you, Helen."

"No, thank  _you._ We've noticed his lack of sleep, but we didn't want to say anything and—"

"Scare him off," Lukas finishes. "Yeah, I get that. I'll let you know when we're coming back."

It's pretty late when Philip wakes up. His eyes open slowly, and he looks around, sitting up. When he spots Lukas, he asks, "Where are we?"

"Roof of the school," Lukas says before yawning.

"What time is it?"

He pulls out his phone. "Almost eleven."

"What?!" Philip stands up, looking frantic. "God, Helen's gonna kill me!"

"She knows we're here."

"Why didn't you wake me up?" he hisses.

Lukas scoffs. "You're kidding, right? Philip, you need to sleep. I know you're scared of remembering, but I'll try to explain any of them. Let me help you."

Philip hesitates before nodding. Lukas grabs their bags—he had Rose bring them up—and calls Helen, asking her to pick them up. They wait on the roof until the silver Volvo pulls up. Lukas slides into the backseat, and he's surprised when Philip follows. Helen looks at Lukas through the rear-view mirror, and he can tell she's smiling. The car ride is quiet, the radio an exception. Lukas and Philip don't touch, but Lukas is surprisingly okay with that. Being in Philip's presence is all he really wants right now.

When they get to the house, Lukas drags himself to the downstairs bedroom. He collapses onto the bed with a sigh, exhaustion finally catching up with him. He closes his eyes, totally ready to fall asleep with his clothes on.

"What are you doing?" Philip asks.

Lukas opens his eyes and looks at the boy that's standing in the doorway. "Uh, sleeping?"

"Don't you want to come upstairs?"

That makes him sit up. "What?"

Philip shifts nervously. "I mean, it's obvious I sleep better with you."

"Probably, but do you want me sleeping with you? That's what's important," Lukas says. Helen shoots him a thumbs-up as she walks by.

"I don't really have a choice, do I? Either I fall asleep feeling uncomfortable sharing a bed with you, or you stay here while I go upstairs and stay awake the whole night."

"There's that armchair that's in your room. I could sit there until you fall asleep?" he suggests.

Philip looks away, bites his lip, and nods. Lukas follows him up the stairs and stands in the hallway while Philip changes. He drops into the armchair and pulls out his phone. Philip settles in bed, turns off the light, and turns away from Lukas. After a while, Lukas puts his phone away and stares at the lump in the bed. He can tell Philip's still awake, but he doesn't want to say anything.

He doesn't even remember closing his eyes, but he's shaken awake. The clock on the nightstand tells him it's a little past two in the morning. He can see the outline of Philip, but it's too dark to actually see his face.

"What's up?" Lukas asks groggily.

"I just—if I give you some sweatpants, will you sleep in the bed with me?"

He sits up, shocked. "Yeah, I-I can do that."

Something's dropped in his lap, and he realizes that it's a pair of sweatpants. Philip must've grabbed them, knowing Lukas would agree. Since it's dark, he changes right there. His flannel drops to the floor before they crawl into the bed. Lukas makes sure to keep his distance, but Philip rolls over, settling his arm across Lukas as he rests his head on his chest.

"You okay?" Lukas whispers.

"I felt a need to do this. Figured it would help."

"This is how we usually fall asleep, so it probably will."

Philip laughs,  _actually laughs_ , and says, "I just remembered something. We were sitting under a tree, hitting each other playfully, and then you kissed me."

"One of the best moments of my life," Lukas admits. "That was after I gave my statement to Helen."

"Why were we hitting each other?"

Lukas smiles. "You asked me if my stomach hurt, because that's how you know you're in love. I told you I didn't feel a thing, so you punched me in the stomach."

Philip hesitates. "Gabe told me that. The thing about being in love. He was trying to get me to go on the water, and I distracted him with that question."

"Does your stomach hurt?" Lukas asks quietly.

Philip sighs. "I can't tell if it's that or the constant anxiety of the next memory, but I feel like I will once I get them all back."

Smiling, Lukas presses his nose into Philip's hair as he rubs his back. They fall asleep within minutes, their breathing in sync. Philip has a nightmare about the shooting, and later about their fight. Lukas tells him how scared he was about other people finding out, but more how he was afraid to admit to himself that he's gay. Somehow, they manage to switch positions without noticing. Philip's running his fingers through the blond locks, and Lukas' head is resting on the other boy's chest. His mother was the last person to hold him; he's always wrapped his arms around Rose or Philip. It's nice, experiencing the change.

"Does _your_  stomach hurt?" Philip asks around four.

Lukas looks up and smirks. "I know you would've told me if you remembered, so let me refresh your memory. Your dick was up my ass. Pretty sure I don't do that casually, especially my first time."

Philip's jaw drops, making the blond laugh. Suddenly, he remembers it—the humidity, the sound of Lukas' giggle (his  _giggle_ ) over the eagle documentary, the giddiness he felt, and the skin on skin. He's so glad he remembers it, because now he associates it with finding out Lukas loves him, not just sex. Looking back at the memories he has, there are signs that Lukas loves him, but Philip would start to get his hopes up and would get hit with homophobia, both literally and figuratively.

When they fall asleep again, Lukas wakes up an hour later in a cold sweat. Philip doesn't stir, which lets Lukas sneak away and head downstairs for a glass of water. Leaning against the counter, he takes small sips and tries to calm his nerves. His nightmare wasn't about what's happened to them; it was about his dad having a heart-attack on the tractor while Lukas was at school. It's always been one of fears, especially when the drinking got worse. He reaches into his pocket and pulls his phone out. He looks at the time and debates with himself before calling his dad's cell. It rings three times before he answers.

"Lukas? Is everything okay?" Bo asks. He can hear the new turkeys in the background.

"Hey, Dad. Yeah, everything's fine. Just needed to hear your voice," Lukas admits as he sits at the kitchen table.

"Another nightmare?"

"Yeah."

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Not really."

Bo pauses. "Want me to tell you a story about your mother?"

Lukas' chest tightens. "Yes, please."

* * *

Philip wakes up by himself, a new memory settling in his mind, here to stay. He looks at the Polaroid camera on his dresser and smiles, now knowing how he got it. Sighing, he rolls out of bed and heads downstairs, carding his fingers through his hair to try and tame it. What he finds in the kitchen makes his heart swell. Lukas is asleep at the table, his phone open to his dad's contact information. Lukas must've had a nightmare last night about him.

"Lukas, wake up," Philip whispers as he nudges his shoulder.

"Don' wanna," the blond whines.

"Your back's gonna be stiff enough, don't let it get worse. Come back to bed, man."

Lukas sits up slowly, wincing as his back complains with every movement. "Do you still need to sleep?"

Philip shrugs. "No clue, but I know what it's like to wake up alone after having a nightmare."

When they get back to bed, Lukas drapes an arm around Philip's waist and places his head right over his heart. Philip runs his fingers through the blond, wispy hair. He looks down and watches as Lukas' face smooths out. He doesn't notice he's moving until his fingers are running along the other boy's face. Pressing a kiss to the top of Lukas' head, Philip settles into the bed and lets out a sigh. His buzzes on the nightstand, so he reaches out with his free hand.

_Helen: Everything okay? Heard you two talking in the kitchen._

_Philip: He fell asleep at the kitchen table while talking to his dad on the phone. Brought him back to my room in case he has another nightmare._

_Helen: Text either of us if you need anything brought up. Hope he sleeps well._

Suddenly, Lukas starts twitching and whimpering. Philip remembers sitting in the barn with him, listening to a playlist he'd made. Without even thinking, he connects his phone to the Bluetooth speaker Gabe and Helen bought him and pulls up the playlist. Soon, Troye Sivan is quietly singing about swimming pools and fools. Philip rubs Lukas' back and presses multiple kisses to his hair. Slowly, Lukas calms down, pressing his face into the other boy's chest.

Around dinnertime, Lukas wakes up. He lifts his head and smiles at Philip before leaning in and pressing their lips together. He pulls away immediately, looking terrified and embarrassed. Before he can blurt an apology, Philip's pulling him in for another kiss. They pull away for air a couple minutes later.

"Why'd you do that?" Lukas asks.

"I wanted to know if it's as good as I remember," Philip replies.

"Is it?"

"It's so much better."

* * *

Philip's in English class when it all comes back to him in a rush. There are so many memories flying at him. It makes his chest tighten and his throat start to close. He stumbles out mid-lecture, feeling the panic attack growing quickly. He runs to the bathroom, turns on the sink, and curls into a ball in the corner, but it's not enough. He can't calm down. The door bursts open, and Lukas pulls Philip's head into his lap. Philip can feel fingers carding through his hair, and he hears the other boy whispering a series of "it's okays" and "I'm right heres".

The bell rings at some point, and somebody steps in, but he leaves almost immediately when he sees the two on the floor. Philip's still hyperventilating, and he's worried he won't calm down. Then, earbuds are being pushed into his ears, and he hears the same song he played when Lukas was having a nightmare. It takes a while, but he eventually starts taking deep breaths. A little over half an hour later, he takes the earbuds out and says, "It was too much."

"What was?" Lukas questions.

"The memories. They came back at the same time. It was hard to tell when one ended and another started."

"I'm sorry you had to deal with that, but I'm glad they're back. Now you can remember how much of an asshole I was."

Philip snorts. "I knew that when I forgot everything. You've changed a lot, though."

"For the better, I hope."

"Always."

 


End file.
